Welcome to this month’s Introvert Horoscope!

Be sure to return next month for your latest, brand-new, astrologically sound horoscope.*


You will unaccountably feel like staying in and will have to cancel plans at the last moment. No one will be surprised. Seriously, just no one.


Someone will say something innocent that you will overanalyse and work yourself up about and cause yourself to feel awful over. Jupiter’s continued transit will reveal it all to be nothing.


Despite your best efforts you will attend a party. You will spend it in the hosts’ bedroom where you will happen upon a good selection of books and do some great reading. As you head home you will think, That wasn’t so bad and wonder why you hate parties so much.


The stars** will align and you will get to bed early and sleepily. However as soon as your head hits the pillow it will fill with all the fears and anxieties you’ve successfully suppressed all day. You will still be awake at 3am.


You will go to a shopping mall and become completely overwhelmed by rudeness and noise. People will piss you off. Seriously, what is wrong with people. According to the heavens, that is.


You will accidentally let an important call go to voicemail. And by accidentally I mean deliberately. And by an important call I mean all the calls. And by voicemail I mean that thing on your phone that you never check in case it means you have to return a call.


Your friend will introduce you to a new person. You will hate them preemptively, to save time. You are wise. And efficient. The stars say so.


A new project will require you to work in a group at your job. Using great care and precision, you will gnaw your own arm off to avoid this fate.


You will feel compelled to do something nerdy and it will give you immense pleasure. Refreshed, you will decide to go out but will quickly feel peopled out. You will have to immediately return home and binge-watch entire seasons of Better Call Saul/House of Cards/Rake*** to recover.


Even though there are many free tables in the cafe, a large noisy group will choose the table right next to you. You will entertain elaborate fantasies of disembowelment and plucking out of eyeballs. The expression on your face will cause you to repeatedly be asked if you are OK.


Despite your earbuds, book, and carefully cultivated resting bitch face, someone will attempt to engage you in friendly chit-chat. They will chat on and on, oblivious to your avoided eye contact, watch-checking, and stifled yawns. Eventually you will pretend to make a phone call and walk away. They may not notice and could be talking still.


You will read a horoscope that is utter bunkum. You will label it complete poppycock. You will briefly consider that your adjectives are old-fashioned and need updating, but you will dismiss the idea as a load of old hornswoggle.

* Identical to this month’s.

** Stars unspecified at time of writing.

*** I don’t know which one. Geez, I’m a fake astrologer, not a fake clairvoyant.