Isaac Newton’s 3 Laws Of Motion transformed our understanding of the world, and also of apples. For the first time we truly understood the hazards of the outdoors, and the very real potential for head injury related to ripe, pendulous fruit.
But have you heard of his less famous 3 Laws of Introvert Motion? These are the laws of physics that apply specifically to introverts.
No doubt as you read them you’ll recognise their inherent truth, and will nod silently to yourself as you recall with a smile the relevant chapter of Principia Mathematica.
Here they are, brilliantly translated for you from the original Latin.
Newton’s 3 Laws Of Introvert Motion
1. For every introvert action that involves being happy at home…
For every introvert action that involves being happy at home or contentedly pursuing a quiet interest by yourself, there is an equal and opposite reaction from someone telling you to push through your comfort zone or come out of your shell.
The expanded comfort zone could include parties, small talk, and even group work, which may or may not occur on an incline.
The introvert may deflect such unwanted advice with a lighthearted quip, or they may prefer to use gravity.
2. The likelihood that someone will take the nearest seat…
The likelihood that someone will take the nearest seat/self-serve checkout/cafe table when there are plenty of free ones farther away is inversely proportional to your degree of introversion.
Introverts often attempt to repel these interlopers with annoyed sighs, passive-aggressive mutterings, and dirty looks.
The law of conservation of energy states that such attempts will be met with complete and utter obliviousness.
3. An introvert at rest and enjoying peace and solitude…
An introvert at rest and enjoying peace and solitude will never be allowed to continue at rest but will instead be acted upon by a force.
A kinetic force may be a loud and vexatious person who wants to chit chat despite the fact you’re clearly reading a book and/or have earbuds in.
A potential force may be someone knocking at your door despite your being still and staying very very quiet.
Don’t Fight Introvert Laws
Once you understand that these are universal introvert laws, you can give up trying to fight against them.
The best you can do is accept this is how things work, and not expect life to be different.
And, as much as possible, stay away from fruit trees.
Source: Principia Mathematica Introvertica
OMG! Rule #2 runs my life!
I can’t go anywhere without it happening. Four hundred cars in the parking lot and I want to sit and drink my coffee. Within one minute there are people at the car on my left, then my right, then in front. They leave; more come. Rinse, repeat. It’s like the Indy 500, all in my little 300-square-foot patch of parking lot area. Can’t just relax and sip my coffee because I know someone will hit my car with their door or drag their oversized purse or backpack across my rear-view mirror.
Or, presto! It’s instant group of landscapers with the world’s largest lawn mower and a gaggle of 100+ decibel leaf blowers, all aimed at me. Begone, destroyers of calm and besmirchers of the atmosphere!
I don’t know how many times I’ve had other women follow me up and down store aisles and pick up everything I’ve looked at. And the restaurant thing? If I’m sitting at a table, a woman with a baby definitely or loud little children has to come and sit at the table right next to me, even if there are 20 empty tables closer to her – even if she has to maneuver around boxes and other patrons to reach the table.
Karen, I’m pretty sure my husband used to think I was exaggerating when I reported things like you describe in your comments. Then I started taking pictures and sending them to him. It’s BIZARRE!