Isaac Newton’s 3 Laws Of Motion transformed our understanding of the world, and also of apples. For the first time we truly understood the hazards of the outdoors, and the very real potential for head injury related to ripe, pendulous fruit.

But have you heard of his less famous 3 Laws of Introvert Motion? These are the laws of physics that apply specifically to introverts.

No doubt as you read them you’ll recognise their inherent truth, and will nod silently to yourself as you recall with a smile the relevant chapter of Principia Mathematica.

Here they are, brilliantly translated for you from the original Latin.

Newton’s 3 Laws Of Introvert Motion

1. For every introvert action that involves being happy at home…

For every introvert action that involves being happy at home or contentedly pursuing a quiet interest by yourself, there is an equal and opposite reaction from someone telling you to push through your comfort zone or come out of your shell.

The expanded comfort zone could include parties, small talk, and even group work, which may or may not occur on an incline.

The introvert may deflect such unwanted advice with a lighthearted quip, or they may prefer to use gravity.

2. The likelihood that someone will take the nearest seat…

The likelihood that someone will take the nearest seat/self-serve checkout/cafe table when there are plenty of free ones farther away is inversely proportional to your degree of introversion.

Introverts often attempt to repel these interlopers with annoyed sighs, passive-aggressive mutterings, and dirty looks.

The law of conservation of energy states that such attempts will be met with complete and utter obliviousness.

3. An introvert at rest and enjoying peace and solitude…

An introvert at rest and enjoying peace and solitude will never be allowed to continue at rest but will instead be acted upon by a force. 

A kinetic force may be a loud and vexatious person who wants to chit chat despite the fact you’re clearly reading a book and/or have earbuds in.

A potential force may be someone knocking at your door despite your being still and staying very very quiet.

Don’t Fight Introvert Laws

Once you understand that these are universal introvert laws, you can give up trying to fight against them.

The best you can do is accept this is how things work, and not expect life to be different.

And, as much as possible, stay away from fruit trees.

Source: Principia Mathematica Introvertica