I spend a lot of time writing in cafes.
Mostly this works out well. I have a few favourite places where they take good care of me and I order plenty of food and coffee and I can tune out the hubbub and get heaps done.
But as an introvert, someone who notices way too much and is easily overstimulated, I do get distracted by certain kinds of people.
Sometimes it’s a person so enamoured of their own opinions they don’t want to limit these precious nuggets to the lucky person they’re sitting with, so they speak very loudly. The more you try to tune them out, the more volubly they hold court on a broad range of topics.
Sometimes it’s something else.
Other People’s Children And Personal Space
Recently I found myself completely distracted by a young girl at the table next to me. The seating was a single long bench with small tables at regular intervals. Because the cafe was open to the shopping mall I kept my bag on the bench, safely close beside me.
The girl’s mother was doing something on her phone and the girl, I guess around 10, was reclining on the bench, well beyond her table’s space and completely into mine. That didn’t particularly bother me (well it did, but I was trying to ignore it); what did bother me was the way she kept kicking her shoes into my bag.
I moved along. She kicked harder. I moved to the very end till I could move no farther, still her boots kicked and kicked into my bag. She must have felt she was grinding her boots into something, but… was she being naughty? Did she genuinely not realise what she was doing? I couldn’t say.
And that’s when I realised her boots were covered in mud – which they were now smearing all over my lovely bag (and the bench).
I looked despairingly to the girl’s mother – why wasn’t she saying anything?
I’m not sure how much this is an introvert thing, but I’m not good at speaking up, even when I think I have a right to. Although being an introvert is not the same as being shy, many introverts are generally reserved.
Introvert Dilemma: Should You Speak Up For Yourself?
In this situation, what were my options?
Should I just get up and leave?
Sometimes that’s the best thing to do, no question. But sometimes it’s good for you to speak up, to feel assertive, to not feel like a wimp.
Okay then, should I say something to the mother?
Personally I don’t think speaking to a parent about their kids is a great idea. Nearly all parents are doing the best they can, and you never know when someone is having a crappy day and you are the crappy icing on their crappy cake.
Plus there are some people to whom you cannot say anything without causing offence, so why ruin both your days?
I didn’t know what was happening with this mother, but I did know she wasn’t going to notice what her daughter was doing.
The Third Option: Little Girl You Are Freaking Me Out
But then I realised something: there was a third option. I could actually speak to the girl myself. Not to chastise her, which of course I had no right to do. Not to tell her off, or in any way rebuke her or her actions.
No, I couldn’t speak to her about her, but I could speak to her about me.
So, before my brain could get involved and think better of my plan, my mouth sprang into gear and I addressed the girl.
Excuse me. I’m not sure if you realise but there’s a ton of mud on your boots and you’re rubbing it on my bag. Trying not to fall off the end of the bench, I held up my now mud-encrusted bag. See? Could you stop please? I kept my face friendly.
At this point my brain began to register a shift taking place in the air, and it started to regret not getting involved earlier when simply leaving was still an option.
We all waited to see what would happen next.
The mother had now looked up from her phone, her jaw hanging open. It didn’t seem like any words were coming out of there though. Was she appalled at the daughter or at me? I couldn’t tell.
My brain, rolling its eyes at my mouth, held its tongue and let things play out.
My mouth, mercifully, shut up and waited.
The girl, staring fixedly but not unpleasantly at me, moved her feet down from the bench and onto the floor.
My brain, smoothly taking over before my mouth piped up again, plastered a smile on my face and a jaunty tone over my voice said, Cool. Thanks!
Then, ever the peace-maker, it added, Cute boots, because that’s something it would notice, and they were.
The mother’s jaw closed and, glancing at her daughter with an expression I couldn’t read, she promptly returned her attention to her phone.
No further discussion seemed pending, so I settled more comfortably on the bench and got back to my writing. For the next half-hour we continued sitting there peaceably in our own respective little worlds.
The ‘Fellow-Customer’ Relationship
Because introverts are reserved, many of us avoid confrontation. We push things down, or walk away.
I’m someone who rarely speaks up, generally preferring passive-aggressive options from the dirty-looks and irritated-sighs genres.
When I speak to a total stranger it’s usually because I’ve completely bypassed forethought and, as in this case, hearing myself speaking out loud comes as an unpleasant shock to my frontal cortex. So I certainly don’t consider myself a poster girl for introvert assertiveness.
But I guess in this case I must have intuitively believed that speaking up was a good thing to do. The girl seemed old enough that I could have a fellow-customer ‘relationship’ with her. Maybe you think I was wrong, but I felt I had a right to ask her directly not to kick my bag.
And it seemed to work out for everybody.
I was happy to resume work at a place where I was productive and the coffee was good.
The mother seemed genuinely relieved to have been kept out of the whole palaver.
And, perhaps best of all, that girl gained a newfound appreciation of something truly important: cute boots.
How about you? What would you have done in my situation?
Are you good at speaking up? If so, any tips for the the rest of us?
Good for you, on so many levels.
First, as I read your post, it seemed to me that you have shown self-respect.
Second, you have respected the girl too: she is old enough to know what she’s doing, but you showed her the respect of addressing her directly, rather than using the agency of her mother, which would have diminished her – and removed her personal responsibility for her actions.
Third (I do like a nicely-ordered list!), it worked!
I don’t have children myself and I’m in London, so maybe the social mores are slightly different, but I do get irked by parents who abdicate responsibility for their children in public by ignoring them, while absorbed in their oh-so-important online life. But then get on the “you can’t talk to my child like that?”
One of my friends is from Uganda and says that the Indian adage of “it takes a village to raise a child” absolutely applies in Uganda too. Others would have intervened quickly and en masse to tell the daughter to stop her nonsense and to tell the mother to put the damn phone away.
There’s no excuse for rudeness or aggression towards a misbehaving child, but if the parent isn’t doing anything about her kid kicking someone’s bag, and if (IF…) your respectful intervention hadn’t worked, then I think it’s entirely reasonable to see it as “we’re part of this community and I have the right not to be disrespected like this (by both daughter and mother).
In a similar cafe situation in Windsor, the girl (about ten as well) ignored a quiet, polite request to stop kicking my chair and so I told her, firmly, ” Stop kicking my chair. I’ve already asked you nicely. Just stop it.” The mother got into a huff, but I kept my focus on the girl, and asked her “is this what you really wanted – to get your mum off her phone?”. Pin drop time. I’d managed to nail it and the girl just nodded. Two birds, one stone. No more kicking and the mother put the phone away. They left shortly after.
Do I think that the mother suddenly started connecting more attentively with her daughter on a lasting basis? Nope. But it did actually, for once, Place the responsibility where it should be: on the parent. And it was my own stand against the idea that “the community” doesn’t have rights to intervene (appropriately) when the parents don’t do their job.
I’m training to be a therapist, and the more I read about child development, the more worried I am getting about the lack of attentiveness and attunement by parents, which limits the attachment with their children. Sometimes these are just “part of life” incidents, but I think that there an escalating pattern here.
Anyway, rant over. Well done you for being part of the village!
Thank you for your feedback, Denise! And some interesting things for me to ponder, too. 🙂
I feel you approached the issue very well. The young girl was old enough to know what she was doing and you were calm and collected. I hope that you don’t have to face this kind of issue again, but I do find there are too many parents who don’t pay attention to their children and don’t seem to realise that a young child of that age, when left to their own devices in a café/restaurant, are most likely bored out of their mind. On the other hand I had to use a café for a Sunday dinner once, and there was a child, around the age of four or five, allowed by his parents to run around. He stopped at my table and grabbed a fistful of chips and ran off. I went over to the parents, explained that their child, whose hands were quite grubby, had just taken some of my dinner, and as I was not his parent, it was not my place to provide for his meals. I promptly gave them the receipt for my meal and told them as I now considered it partially inedible, I expected them to refund me. I stood over them until they were embarrassed into paying me the money I had paid for a wasted meal.
James, that was a great approach! I bet they’ll keep better tabs on their kid from now on, since he’s costing them money. 😉
Yikes James – if a kid stole some of my chips I would be livid! You handled it so calmly!
I think you handled it well. People don’t always notice what they’re doing, even if it’s blindingly obvious to us!
I would definitely have said something, and I have done so in similar situations. I worked in retain and I remember one time I had to round up two kids who kept pushing a shopping cart into my drapery displays. They were racing or something, but I was quite protective of my turf! I told them to stop running in the store and watch where they were pushing the cart. The mother materialized from the next galaxy, where she had been hiding while this was happening, and I thought, oh, no, here it comes. But she quickly saw what was happening and told them to knock it off. She didn’t even say anything to me.
NEVER be afraid of speaking up for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a fight, and it most often won’t start an argument or even eye rolling. But you know what? The kid is messing up your stuff (intentionally or not) it’s your right to defend yourself and your property.
Karen, I feel much better about talking directly and nicely to a kid than to a parent. And as in your situation, I think most parents are probably just distracted and probably relieved that someone else has spoken.
I have no problem saying “hey, sweetie, please don’t kick my bag, K?” — with a smile, of course! Mother should have been more alert and involved. I would never have let my daughter behave so thoughtlessly in public.
Ah yes Nina but alas, I have to OVERTHINK everything first!
Oh man, as a fellow introvert and a teacher, I gotta tell ya that the desire to tell other people’s children how to behave definitely doesn’t go away once I leave the classroom! I think you did perfectly by speaking directly to the child. There may be some people who get in a huff over that, but I feel like a lot of times, something like that means more coming from a stranger than it would from the parent him/herself. Kids gets wigged out when strangers dare to talk to them, and a lot of times, it’s just the “interrupt” that they need to stop whatever behavior they’re doing.
That’s a good point, Dana. A stranger’s words would be more impactful for sure.
As a mom with a 10 year old girl, I think you handled it great! People of any age should be held accountable for their actions. But it’s that first response, words that carry respect for the other person, that can make all the difference in how they respond to us.
Thanks Alicia! As someone who often wishes I’d kept my mouth shut, I was really happy with the way this turned out. 🙂
I completely identify with the agonizing over “is this enough of a transgression to say something about” that we introverts do. But I have to take respectful exception to this statement: “I could actually speak to the girl myself. Not to chastise her, which of course I had no right to do. Not to tell her off, or in any way rebuke her or her actions.” Someone’s kid is repeatedly kicking your purse with muddy boots and you have “no right in any way to rebuke her or her actions”? Whether you act on it or not is a different issue, but it seems to me that you certainly have every right in the world.
Thanks for your perspective, Norman – I appreciate it. The comments on this post are really making me think about the issue.
Michele,
I am really glad you spoke up and asked the girl to stop kicking your bag. At ten, she is old enough to be addressed and to be responsible for her behavior.
In a sense, I am more distressed by the mother’s behavior and that I can recall many situations when I have witnessed people ignoring one another in favor of the allure of the world provided by the device.
It’s one thing to be an introvert; it is quite another to be rude. If I am alone, I am often reading or using my phone or computer. If I am with others, I try to be present even if I really, really, really would rather be alone.
As an aside, even though I am an introvert, with very little sense of extroversion, I try to be friendly and kind to the people I meet, especially those who go unnoticed.
You raise an important point about kindness, Briana. I’ve given a lot of thought to kindness versus niceness for introverts. If you’re interested, my take on it is here: If You Want To Be A Kind Introvert Then Stop Being So Damn Nice.
I am so grateful for this site…I’ve always known I have an introverted personality but didn’t quite understand the implications. I can see now all of the cancellations I have made, the avoidance of hair salons wondering if I would be expected to share my life story whilst getting my hair cut…and now as an expat with three kids I have reached a limit. The expectations of socializing are excruciating. Playdates organized several times a week X3 and massive class parties with over the top bouncy castles and noise. Chatting to and entertaining parents who will not have a connection with us in a few years time has taken its toll. I have told my children now that playdates must be pre arranged and to please not rock up with child in tow to ask. My child’s birthday party scheduled/canceled/schedul-ed and even today I fished those bright green envelopes out of the bin in guilt only to toss them back in. A session at an indoor themed park seems less invasive than 20+siblings racing around invading my mind space. Yet there is the guilt. Shame-faced guilt of feeling like I let my kids down. I have tried smaller groups and last year they invited 2 friends instead of the class. For my eldest he only wanted 1 friend to kayak at the beach and have a bonfire. Our beach is calm and all of the children are strong swimmers here, life jackets would be used yet the other boys mother said he could not go if we were doing this. Plans were changed and we invited another child plus the original to our house for a chaotic nerf fight. It was horrible and forced. I had to respect that she was uncomfortable at the time yet when it was her own son’s birthday my child was driven 2 hours away for a themed party and several months later they were enjoying the beach themselves. I am taking control this year, starting with the birthdays. I hope the guilt will go away and I hope my kids will understand.
definitely good that you spoke up and said something , im an introvert myself , and as a male i really feel the need to assert myself , if i dont i will feel bad for hours and freak out about it. not just kids but people in general i found will invade your space or cross the line if you let them.