1. Insomnia Cut-And-Paste Tool

Cuts time from when you’re flagrantly insomniac in the middle of the night and pastes it onto that deeply comatose moment when the alarm is about to go off.

2. Party Survival Pod

Compact, lightweight, self-assembling introvert survival kit that includes books, quality snacks, beverages, noise-cancelling headphones, and fold-out comfy armchair. Fits unobtrusively into any party corner.

3. Personal Space Protection Bubble

Lightly stabs anyone entering your personal space without prior approval.

4. Flashing Fluoro High-Pitched Earbud Arrow

Appears above your head, flashes in neon colours, and emits a loud, high-pitched squeal when people don’t notice your earbuds and attempt to talk at you regardless.

5. i(ntrovert)Phone

Comes with phone app irretrievably disabled so you can never ever never receive a telephone call.

6. Go-Dark Switch

Instantly mutes all TV/stereo/devices, turns out all lights, and closes all blinds and curtains when an unexpected visitor knocks.

7. Cinema Seat Allocator

Sequentially deactivates seat spikes in order to ensure maximum space between theatre patrons. Can be adapted for cafes, trains, buses, lecture halls, etc.

8. Quippy Comeback Time-Space Expander

Creates a temporary rip in the time-space continuum until you inevitably think of an awesome comeback later that day in the shower, so you can make a clever retort in what looks like real time.

9. Invisibilizer

Activates a cloaking device that makes you instantly vanish when someone tries to engage you in chit-chat.

10. Internet Shallowness Filter

Removes from the visible spectrum all depth-sucking distractions, including teen celebrities thrilled to have ‘finally’ made it, celebrities with perfect marriages, celebrities with formerly perfect marriages who are now divorcing, and celebrities who have gained or lost weight or released a new handbag collection.

11. Judgmental Inner Voice Silencer

Actually someone beat me to this invention. Also known as wine.

12. De-Overthinkifier

Recognizes when you are overthinking, overanalysing, unconstructively ruminating, fantastrophizing, or working yourself up over nothing (ie when you are awake) and reassigns all active brain cells to watching a randomly generated episode of The Simpsons.

13. Sidewalk Navigator Javelin

Allows you to forge a path through clueless pedestrians, slow-walkers, escalator spreaders, and sidewalk blockers.

14. Unwanted Advice Deflector

Causes an intense personal itch in anyone who tells you to come out of your shell or otherwise instructs you on how to live your life.

15. Fake Exuberance Teleporter

Instantly teleports you to safety whenever you are expected to whoop, high-five, applaud something you don’t want to applaud, do the macarena, or throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care.

16. Snack Inventorizer

Automatically monitors snack levels and prompts you to re-stock whenever supplies of your favorite snacks fall below a certain crucial level.

17. Sales Assistant Deactivator

Painlessly neutralizes store sales assistants so they’re unable to ask if you’re having an awesome day, or if you need help within 4.7 seconds of entering a change room, or to follow you around the store, or to list in elaborate detail the benefits of an item you’ve already discarded.

18. Self-Writing Doctor’s Note

Exempts you from all forms of small-group activities, ice-breakers, trust exercises, or anything requiring you to ‘find a partner’.


Enquiries from venture capitalists welcome.

All patents pending.


With thanks for the inspiration to Jack Handey

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