Like many internally-focussed introverts, I have a rich interior world. But I also have a tendency to overthink and fantastrophize.
So, after learning there’s scientific evidence that mindfulness training can change brain chemistry and promote greater calmness, I decided to try to develop greater mindfulness.
First I listened to mindfulness audiobooks. It was probably not a good sign that I got impatient and listened at triple speed. Chipmunk voices are surprisingly non-conducive to attaining a higher mental state. Also, it’s easy to miss things at that speed, and then you find yourself asking, What did Alvin say?
Next I tried breathing exercises. For some reason I could not master these. As breathing falls into the category of ‘a baby could do it’, literally, you’d think I’d be able to achieve some level of proficiency. But no. I would simply get lightheaded and tense and would need to serve myself a large portion of chocolate to recover.
Finally I downloaded an app, paid for an entire year’s subscription, and committed to a daily practice. I completed a session every morning before breakfast, sitting on the floor by my bed in half-lotus position, occasionally screaming at Craig to be quiet so I could be more serene and centred.
I did my practice faithfully every day for 9 months. I listened to the instructions. I followed the breath.
Some days it was okay and I felt like maybe I was getting the hang of it.
Mostly though, I felt like a failure. And over time I found I was feeling more tense, not less.
So finally, after more than 9 months, I decided to give up.
The next day when I awoke, I immediately felt a sense of relief.
I was happier – possibly because there was now a shorter time between waking up and ingesting coffee.
I also had more time for my morning routine – breakfast, crossword, French exercises, writing pages in my cahier – which made my mornings more relaxed.
I also felt – I kid you not – a greater sense of mindfulness. Just in a small way, little thoughts like:
I know that I am making the bed.
I am aware of how good this brownie tastes.
Those trees are a beautiful shade of green.
It was almost as though, by completing the practice each day, I had been shunting all my mindfulness into that little window. It was like doing a 30-minute exercise class and thinking that meant I could avoid stairs and segway everywhere and get a robot to bring me snacks.
It’s not unlike the feeling I had when I realised that holding onto to things for later was stopping me taking action now. A sense that a potentially good thing was undermining a better thing.
I had failed at the daily practice, but succeeded at having little flashes of mindfulness.
Now let me be clear…
I’m not saying mindfulness exercises are ineffective.
I’m not even saying they wouldn’t work for me.
Maybe all those months of meditating have in fact changed my brain chemistry and I’m now reaping the benefits.
All I am saying is that I didn’t like the way it was feeling to continue the mindfulness practice, and I feel a whole lot better after giving it up.
And I share my experience with you in case you too are a mindfulness-practice failure. Take heart that you are not alone.
Maybe instead you can enjoy the extra time, notice the green of the trees, be aware of making the bed when you are making the bed.
And really, really enjoy that brownie.
Based on what you wrote, I’m guessing that you failed at mindfulness because you didn’t also practice divided attention. You can train for a marathon all you want, and be in the best of shape, but if you don’t actually run in a marathon, you’ll never complete one. Similarly, you can meditate all you want, but if you don’t learn to divide your attention over the course of your day, you’ll never achieve mindfulness. Dividing your attention is what allows you to be mindful while simultaneously focusing on activities of your daily life.
You’re right Mark, I didn’t do that. And your metaphor makes sense to me, thank you.
Different people thrive with different practices. Following the breath is actually pretty hard for a lot of people (including me). I find it to be boring, and also I have allergies that make breathing less than joyful.
I find that ambient sound meditation works really well for beginners, particularly in a sound-rich environment like outdoors in a public park (presuming its a space where it’s safe to close your eyes).
I find that relaxing the muscles of the face, throat and behind the eyes really help in quieting inner speech.
Hi Rick – thanks for these thoughts. I’m not giving up on trying to be calmer and more mindful, so will keep looking for other paths. 🙂
I came across an article titled “How to Choose a Type of Mindfulness Meditation” (by Kira M. Newman) it says different types of mindfulness practices work for different people – see: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_choose_a_type_of_mindfulness_meditation
Thought it might be helpful for someone.
Thanks for sharing kdn.
I suspect that those 9 months actually did change your brain patterns and that’s why you are more mindful now. However, the changing of your pathways is done and so you don’t need the formal part of doing it rigidly every day. That would just be a burden after a while – as you discovered. So, mission accomplished, I would say!
That’s a great way to look at it, Suzanne!
I know several people who practice mindfulness, often with a cue to remind them. I have always felt that as an introvert I naturally practice such a state which many people denigrate as daydreaming. So I am fortunate not to need such things.
Jane, isn’t daydreaming wonderful! 🙂
Mindfulness doesn’t work for me either…But I don’t see it as a failure…As an extreme introvert who lives in my very loud mind, it gets boring to quiet my mind to the point of being “mindful”.
Now that time has past, I’m with you Stella – it feels less like failure and more like a mismatch. And a relief!
Oh, thank you, thank you for sharing your experience! I’m in the midst of the same thing, I believe. Practicing mindfulness is feeling like “just one more thing I’m doing wrong.” I love your humor and writing style – let me keep this short so I can go subscribe to future posts! 🙂